Feedback is our weekly column of bizarre stories, implausible advertising claims, confusing instructions and more
Off-label prescriptions
JUST the thing for card-carrying members of the alternative-medicine scene: Richard Cote was recently given a “very special” piece of card, with instructions to tape it to the outside of a clear bottle of water. The water would then read the number on the card and dutifully rearrange its structure to become charged with special healing properties.
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The font of this fruitloopery is Source Energy Medicine, and it inevitably derives from the theories of Masaru Emoto, the Japanese researcher who claimed that writing disparaging labels on saucers of freezing water can influence the shape of the ice crystals (1 July 2006).
Feedback thinks that pharmacists would be greatly convenienced if they no longer had to dispense medicine, and could simply give customers the labels instead. “Unfortunately, there’s only one charge per card,” writes Richard – although how the water knows whether a card has been used before is anyone’s guess.
The healing power of these labels is not just for people, either. A visit to shows that you can also buy species-specific cards for “cats, dogs, horses, llamas/alpacas and honey bees”. Gerbils, cows and butterflies will have to stick to plain water.
Chris Whitfield reports his friend receiving a T-shirt from an African elephant conservation charity: “Their slogan is now displayed across her ample bosom – ‘Make space for giants’.”
Square pegs in a round hose
WINTER is coming to the north, with the UK bracing itself for several months of wet and windy weather. To counter the threat of floods, the Environment Agency recently dispatched two giant pumps to Cumbria in north-west England. The Guardian newspaper that these boast the curious ability to move 120,000 “cubic litres” of floodwater per minute.
Why the water must be boxed up before pumping isn’t clear, but the description trickles in from several other news agencies, hinting that many buckets have been drawing from the same well. However, the press release issued by the Environment Agency bears no trace of diced water.
The question remains: how do they get the cubes of water to go down circular pipes?
Nom de flume
OUR inbox is likewise deluged… with suggestions of nominative determinism. Peter Dawe says: “Not only is the National Trust’s coast and marine adviser Phil Dyke , he is also promoting a policy that involves filling dykes.”
Nom de bloom
FURTHER examples pop up like weeds in Feedback’s manicured lawn: a UK parliamentary discussion on progress made in eliminating the invasive Japanese knotweed plant featured from none other than baroness Gardner of Parkes.
Maths production
ANOTHER mislabelled solution: the BBC’s World Service reported that a 156-year-old maths problem had been by a little-known Nigerian scholar, Opeyemi Enoch. The Riemann hypothesis – a description of the expected distribution of prime numbers – is one of the most important problems in mathematics. Whether it is true is literally a million-dollar question, such is the bounty that the Clay Mathematics Institute (CMI) is offering for a solution.
The claim first appeared in the Nigerian newspaper Vanguard, which also reveals that Enoch “previously designed a Prototype of a silo for peasant farmers and also discovered a scientific technique for detecting and “.
Surprised mathematicians were quick to point out that the story , and at the time of writing, the CMI website still lists the Riemann hypothesis as .
Second to none
SPEAKING of empty results: does nominative determinism count when it involves nothing at all? Critic and writer Christopher Null finds that his surname makes him invisible to machines, with many programmed to ignore it – such as those of his bank. The easiest solution, he , is to add a full stop: “This not only gets around many error blocks, it also adds a sense of finality to my birthright.”
Forbidden culture
IS NOTHING safe from the UK government’s proposed ban on all things psychoactive (20 June)? Having read Chloe Lambert’s feature on how gut microbes can influence our thinking (21 November, p 30), Jem Moore worries that the dairy counter is next on the hit list. “I hope no one tells the government about Lactobacillus rhamnosus, otherwise bioactive yogurts will banned too,” he says.
Feedback hopes the bill will curdle before it can be enacted, but readers may be wise to stock up on yogurt all the same.
Homeward bound
WALK this way: Bernard Morcheles was browsing the web for a brace to improve his posture. He found many that offered magnets to boost circulation and so forth. “Knowing these options are fruitloopery, I decided to buy one anyway purely because the writer of the descriptive copy has such a great sense of humour,” he writes.
Bernard points us to the “” on Groupon, which boasts that “magnets sewn within the brace’s breathable fabric strive to retune disrupted magnetic impulses that can lead to aches, discomfort, and a desire to head to the North Pole”.
“The brace doesn’t correct my posture but it does remind me to stand up straight,” reports Bernard, adding that “the magnets must work since I have no desire to head to the North Pole”.
(Image: Paul McDevitt)