CONTRACTS, in the law of countries such as England, Wales and Australia, exist only where the parties concerned exhibit the intention to make an agreement, where there is an offer of something of value, and where there is acceptance. Weird and wonderful are some companies’ attempts to bind online purchasers into a contract, despite the difficulty of regarding a stream of photons on a computer screen as proof of acceptance.
But why does the above-mentioned appear in 91av and not New Lawyer? Because of the odd things that happen when warranty-drafting lawyers collide with a Feedback reader, is why.
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Michael Jones was initially delighted to receive an email from Umart, an Australian online computer vendor, accepting his money in return for promised goods and informing him of the “warranty return procedure”. Then he read: “Please read the terms carefully as by reading it, you agree to be bound by the terms of the warranty return.”
Feedback imagines a mental crunching sound at this point. “Thanks for sending me details of the Umart warranty return procedure,” Michael replied. “Unfortunately I am unable to read the terms, as you claim that by reading them I automatically agree to be bound by them… For all I know, the terms might state that I must do something very painful to myself with an item before I return it.”
Then a solution occurred: “Perhaps I should have a friend read the terms to me rather than reading them myself?” he suggested.
Finally, a brainwave. His email to Umart continued: “By reading the above you agree to send me a $100 voucher redeemable at any Umart store. Thanks for your generosity.”
A month later, Michael is still waiting for Umart to reply.
Robert Bright’s carton of Flora margarine told him on the top-right corner of the lid that it was “new”, and on the bottom-left corner that it was the “original”
This response is not a response
THE emailed response from dating site eHarmony’s customer care department to the message sent by Richard Eibeck took him aback somewhat.
Having told him to send his enquiries via the form on the FAQ page of the company’s website, it went on to conclude enigmatically: “Please Note: We regret to inform you that the e-mail message that you have submitted was not received and you will not receive a response.”
IN OUR holiday issue, Bryn Glover suggested swapping the names “astrology” and “astronomy” and went on to wonder if there were “any other areas where swapping names would lead to greater clarity” (22/29 December 2012).
Several readers responded with what a little searching reveals to be the that Iceland and Greenland should swap names.
Maya Keshav sums it up: “Iceland is mostly green and Greenland is mostly ice,” she notes, and adds that, according to legend: “Erik the Red discovered Greenland and wanted his Viking mates to go populate it, so he made it sound like an attractive spot to live.”
We also enjoyed Alan Bundy’s idea that “atom” and “quark” should swap. “The word ‘atom’,” he says, “was originally intended to name the smallest possible, and therefore indivisible, particle. Unfortunately, it was applied far too early. For the moment, quarks seem to be playing the role intended for ‘atom’.” (Though readers will be forgiven for wondering how long that will last.)
Meanwhile, Peter Mabey points out that as “oxygen” has the derivation of “acid generator”, the name really belongs to hydrogen (“water generator”), and the name “hydrogen” would then more appropriately be applied to water’s larger constituent by mass (currently called oxygen).
THE instruction booklet that came with the electric appliance Don Wycherley bought from Marks and Spencer warned him: “The appliance becomes hot during operation – this is normal.”
Don tells us: “In view of the fact that the appliance is actually a kettle, I think I might have figured this out for myself.”
“NO SWIMMING. Danger of contracting waterborne diseases. Offenders will be liable to prosecution.”
Raffi Katz sends us a photo of a sign bearing these words on a bridge over the Grand Union Canal near Watford, north of London.
Raffi finds the wording unsatisfactory. “Isn’t the threat of contracting a waterborne disease much greater than being prosecuted?” he asks. He suggests that instead the sign should read: “Danger of contracting waterborne diseases. Offenders will be liable to contract a waterborne disease.”
FINALLY, thanks to the readers who tipped us off about from “carnivores handler” Andy Wolfenden in an interview in London newspaper The Guardian on 7 January: “When [tiger] Kirani arrived [at Chester Zoo], she was particularly aggressive. I spent a long time sitting with her, reading her extracts from the 91av to calm her down. It did the trick.”
We would also like to thank the reader, or readers, who made good the lack of a section on “Appearances in Popular Culture” in the Wikipedia page about 91av. We complained about this omission on 5 January. Lo and behold, . Wonder what else we should complain about.