NEEDING a heavy-duty bag to carry “various bits and pieces”, Alastair Gentleman had a look at the website of a leading UK motoring accessories chain. He found one that looked suitable. While it was described as a “Large Tool Bag” no dimensions were given, so he called the nearest store to ask for clarification.
“There’s no size on the bag in the store,” he was told.
Advertisement
“Could you measure it for me?” he asked.
“I don’t have access to the equipment,” was the response, though Alastair knew the store sold tools.
He tried the next nearest store.
“What size is the large tool bag?”
“I don’t know. It’s just a bag.”
“Yes, but what size is it?”
“You want me to measure it?”
“That would be helpful.”
“But measuring it wouldn’t tell you anything about the size. It’s just a bag.”
“…but if you got a ruler and put it beside the longest side of the bag, that would help.”
“Not really. It doesn’t have any size. It’s just a bag.”
Alastair gave up. Following on from Feedback’s discussion of 6D cinemas (7 April), he has decided that he has been dealing with a zero-dimensional bag – one that is just a point in space-time.
THE wrapping on the loaf from Roger Williams’s local IGA supermarket in Burradoo, New South Wales, Australia, told him that every 100 grams of it contained 380 grams of sodium
Quantum chronological asynchrony
WHILE she was using her iPod, Kathi Hori received the following error message: “Quantum chronological asynchrony error: The site you are trying to access is not a part of your current timeline. Please recalibrate and try again.”
Kathi wants to know if anyone else has had this message – and is there something going on that Apple isn’t telling us? Feedback’s best guess is that someone at Apple has been reading Kurt Vonnegut’s The Sirens of Titan, in which a particular kind of disturbance in the space-time continuum is called a chronosynclastic infundibulum.
Discussing this possibility in the 91av office, as one does, prompted a colleague to attempt merging Vonnegut with Mary Poppins, producing what we can confidently assert is the longest word Feedback has ever published: Chronosynclasticsupercalifragilistic-expialidociousinfundibulum.
All we need now is a meaning for this splendid word – and perhaps before very long it will, like “nominative determinism”, attain the glory of appearing in Wikipedia.
Give your DNA a good talking to
A HEADLINE in an online magazine called caught Sal Hunter’s eye. It said: “Scientists prove DNA can be reprogrammed by words and frequencies.”
Sal is impressed – or pretends to be: “Why bother investing in gene therapy or even research into ageing? We should have known all along that all we needed to do was give our misbehaving DNA a good talking to.”
The impression of loopiness given by the headline and by Feedback’s quick scan of the article is borne out by the advertisements sitting beside it, such as the one that suggests: “Learn EXCLUSIVE secrets of quantum physics, mind secrets, psychic powers…”
Yes, folks, you’ve guessed it, we are in fruitloopery land again.
READER Jeanette Hammann wonders if the Audi Q3 SUV with its internal capacity of “1365 cubic litres” (11 February) really is nine-dimensional – and if so whether it could benefit from a different kind of driving surface? A possible candidate for this, she suggests, might be the Auto Club Speedway in Fontana, California. She reports that in his pre-race run-up to the 25 March NASCAR Sprint Cup Series, Fox Sports race analyst Larry McReynolds predicted , that “the drivers will use every ounce of the width of this track”.
Meanwhile, Alex Saragosa notes that the Audi Q3 SUV may not be the only multidimensional vehicle around. on a new ion engine developed by a European collaboration tells us that: “The motor, designed to be mounted on satellites as small as 10x10x10 cm3, is extremely compact but highly efficient.” Alex reckons that these satellites will be working in the 27th dimension. Does that mean the Audi is too?
Diamond-tipped wand works wonders
FINALLY, diamonds are forever, Duncan Hutchinson reminds us – “and so is the credulity surrounding them”. He sends a gushing article by one Sarah Feeley from a UK west-country magazine called Exeter Living. Feeley visited Exeter’s Courtenay Stamp Cosmetics. “I reclined and relaxed,” she writes, “while Dr Charlotte gently stroked a diamond-tipped wand across my face.”
Apparently this “treatment” constitutes a “microdermabrasion treatment which stimulaties [sic] collagen and improves the appearance of lines and wrinkles… restoring natural luminosity”. Feedback is not sure whether the statement “it’s not a magic wand – but it’s close” is more of a promotion or a disclaimer.