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Customer Relations Dept

Santa’s Grotto

The North Pole

Dear Disgusted,

Don’t be so ungrateful. The gifts you describe may not be to human tastes but
there are plenty of creatures around the world who would be delighted to receive
them. We are confident that after reading this letter, you will come to
appreciate the true value of the somewhat unconventional stocking fillers that
were delivered to you in error.

You might be surprised to learn that many animals—insects in
particular—are inveterate gift givers. They don’t confine their generosity
to Christmas and birthdays, of course, but like humans they usually expect
something in return. In fact, parcels exchanged in the wild come with one big
string attached—sex. Males of many species go to extraordinary lengths to
make or acquire presents to persuade fickle females to mate with them, and
reduce the chances that they will mate with someone else. Take a look in that
stocking of yours and you’ll see what I mean.

That thing that looks like an exquisite little gossamer blanket was in fact a
gift from a male scarlet-bodied wasp moth to his beloved. The chap’s gallantry
knows no bounds. Not only does he copulate with her for up to nine hours, but
first he makes sure they will have “safe sex” by blanketing her with toxic
fibres that repel predators. He ejects the fibres from two abdominal pouches,
showering her with them like nuptial confetti.

Not impressed? Well, what about the Spanish fly, then? You’ll find it in a
small vial marked “cantharidin”, which is the chemical name for this fabled
aphrodisiac. Careful: it’s actually a poisonous alkaloid that owes its
reputation to the fact that it’s an irritant causing extremely painful erections
in men. Fire-coloured beetles seem to get turned on by it, though. The male
seduces the female with an offer of cantharidin, which he secretes from a gland
in his head. If she likes what she sees, they mate and he gives her the chemical
with his sperm. It’s really a gift for their unborn offspring because the poison
ends up in the eggs, where it stops them becoming dinner for other insects.

Then there are the food parcels. They may look like “sticky stuff” to you,
but these are in fact home-made fare, generously offered by the likes of male
crickets and katydids to their mates. They come as part of a sperm package, or
spermatophore, and are designed to distract the female and prevent her scoffing
the precious sperm. The offering of male tree crickets is particularly exotic: a
mysterious elixir of youth that extends the reproductive lifespan of any female
who eats it. Forget anti-wrinkle creams and collagen shots, this is nature’s
answer to everlasting youth.

You’ll notice that some of these globs are quite big. OK, so they don’t match
up to the orange you may be used to getting in the toe of your stocking, but
they’re pretty sizeable in insect terms. That’s because, with the prospect of a
free meal, females are happy to go on several different dinner dates, which
means that males have had to evolve ever larger spermatophores to stay ahead of
their rivals. In some species, these can weigh up to 20 per cent of a male’s
body mass. One of the most ostentatious is produced by the Mormon cricket, but
you won’t find his package in your stocking—it’s so large and costly that
he’s very choosy about whom he offers it to.

Food is by far the most popular gift in the animal kingdom. I’m afraid we
couldn’t get hold of any male redback spiders. They are in short supply because
after mating they offer themselves as the ultimate gift, performing a suicidal
somersault straight into the jaws of their much larger mate. And we tried to
find some intact sagebrush crickets, but all their hind wings had been
damaged—the males grow these fleshy appendages specially for the females
to nibble.

You’ve already spotted the saliva. Sorry about that. I’m afraid a large gob
is only second choice for the male Panorpa scorpion fly. He’d rather
give the love of his life a dead insect, but sometimes they’re hard to come by.
Dead mice can be equally tricky but are highly prized—by carrion beetles,
anyway. They are not only proof of a male’s manliness but also make a good
nursery for the maggots when they come along. Cowpats, on the other hand, are
two-a-penny, but dung beetles like them, so don’t be sniffy.

Now, there’s a nice story behind that pondweed. It’s not just insects that
give nuptial gifts—this particular item is a favourite of the great
crested grebe. Courting birds exchange the slimy green morsels after performing
an elaborate ritual that resembles the dance of the seven veils.

Far more shocking are the antics associated with that pebble. In the
Antarctic, where Adélie penguins live, pebbles are a girl’s best friend
because they can be used to build nests to keep eggs off the freezing ground.
Males present females with these rare and valuable commodities as nuptial gifts.
But there is a seedy side to this heart-warming ritual. Female penguins, it
seems, turn to prostitution in their quest for pebbles—trading them for
sex when their partners aren’t looking. That pebble is one of 62 amassed by a
single, notorious female.

We hope these charming tales of bestial generosity are some compensation for
the mix-up with your stocking. If, however, you are still dissatisfied with
these gifts we will be happy to exchange them. This does not affect your
statutory rights.

Yours sincerely,

Chief Elf