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Brain-dead burglary

BONEHEADED thieves have destroyed the brain of Britain’s largest academic
research computer, which was expected to reveal the secrets of the Universe’s
past and future.

The £1.5 million Cosmology Machine at Durham’s Institute for
Computational Cosmology (ICC) began its work in July 2001. It was designed to
simulate how galaxies and solar systems form and evolve, and could perform 456
billion calculations every second—that much work would take a numerate
person a million years.

But on 18 December, thieves broke into the ICC and ruined four of the
computer’s 12 hefty circuit boards while trying to prise them out of the machine
with a screwdriver. The thieves returned on 22 December and removed the
remaining boards. They attempted to drag them away, but only managed to escape
with four boards after being chased by a security guard.

The fragile circuit boards they took are worth nothing now, according to
Carlos Frenk, director of the ICC. “Having been dragged along the ground they’d
be totally useless,” he says. “The inanity of the whole thing is just beyond
.”

The thieves, who got away in a Mercedes stolen in London, have strong foreign
accents. Frenk suspects they were stealing the circuit boards to order for
export. They made a further attempt to enter the building last week, but failed.
“We’re still under attack by this small gang of determined but extremely inept
fools,” says Frenk.

The institute is taking advice from security experts on how to shore up its
defences. “We’re turning the computer room into Fort Knox,” says Frenk. “And if
these people want to come again, they’ll have to be prepared to spend a long
time in prison.”

The components were insured, and Frenk hopes the Cosmology Machine can be
rebuilt within weeks.

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